Ticking Bomb

Tick tock,
My hand is locked,
Stuck to the hour hand,
Stuck in Nowhere land,
Where the sun falls off the sky,
And where birds disappear after five.

*WORK IN PROGRESS*

... I have speech. I am with speech

^A modified quote from Seinfeld :)

I haven't updated this blog in a long time...
Long time has it when I had no feelings...
But the past month has just been horrifyingly... deathly... scary.
It's been a rollercoaster....
To who I'm writing this for:
I have so much to say to you.
Even though for the next three days, I will try hard to forget you, to erase you from my mind, I hope I am not successful. Why? Because I think we truly have something special between us, and it's not just a matter of liking you or not.
Do I even like you now?
Still?
Because, you know, I want to decide. Because I just want to get on with my life... but a part of me wants to wait...
Because I think you're worth waiting for, and that I want to help you. I don't think you're eternally cursed, because I'd do anything to get this curse off your back. I swear on my life that you lose it if you let me help you, but it's up to you.
Insecurity is what makes magic shine, but it's what makes us scared. In a trick, when a card disappears, or when a card appears, or when a coin appears behind your ear, it's the good surprise your waiting for, but in real life, insecurity may mean death around the corner.
All I want to say to you is that, even if we may have these insecurities, we can get over them. I know this may not be just a matter of insecurity or not, but trust me, I can bet on my life that there is a little insecurity problem in there.
You say I don't understand you, that I only know a face of you, but to be honest, I can basically read minds. You may not believe me, go ahead, but I'm telling you, I can sense if somethings are wrong.
I can lie to you right now and say I love you, but I don't... it's not love, it's a piece of my heart that I'm willing to share with you, and if I'm lucky enough, you would share a piece of yours.
I'm not implying anything, as implication complicates, but all I want to say, is that you matter a lot. When you tell me you'll need time alone, I'm there by your side in spirit. If you need a helping hand, I'll be there no matter what. If you want to get mad at me, I'll be your punching bag, and I'll even wipe your tears and sweat *perspiration works too* off. *Weird, yeah, but yeah.*

I want you to know, that no matter what, I'll be there for you, and I truly do care. Don't self-destruct, but if you do, I'll blow to pieces with you. Nothing matters really to me now, except you. If in these three days I still can't forget you... We'll see how it goes.

***

That felt a lot better... saying all that i wanted to say.
No goodnights? Byes work too, but there isn't a sense of warmth.

"It's like catching lightening, the chances of finding, someone, like, you....
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling, the way... we... do..."

And I feel that we do have that connection... Don't deny it. It doesn't matter, if we end up together or not, it's just that we are there for each other.

Something I wrote long time ago.

"Baby, why I am alone?
The world around me's spinning,
The lights are going crazy,
My life is out of order.
Except you're the epitome of my heart.
Unless I can find you, I'll be dead,
Before the sun rises again.
Is it so hard for me to say?
Why can't I do it?
Maybe, just maybe, because I know I love you,
But Why! Why! Do I feel like,
That you won't be there, when I need you.
I just hope you'll be there, pray to God,
The sun won't burst my empty shell,
Because I need you there for me,
For you to be my love."

- 11:04PM 22/11/08

Can't Say This Enough, You CAN'T Get Hopes Up High...

I don't know how many times in this lifetime have I told myself, "Fairy tales don't exist, only in your imagination." Singing a song helps, but the dreadful sense of misery once you devise the "ultimate plan" and it fails... it's crushing.

Austrian Wolf... haha... =)

I really don't know how to explain this feeling... I like chocolate. I miss my strawberries, but... I mean... I can't be selfish enough to stay for both can I? I like chocolate, but only that KIND. They don't know what's eating them... it's metaphorical by the way.

I don't understand how somebody can live a life full of nothing... How can people live in this world without a proper sense of what they are doing here in the first place! It's an inconcievable thought... Kristi gladly knows. Somewhat. In a weird sense.

I get bored easily. But it takes me ages to get bored. How? Well, take for example, a perfectly normal day. I am stuck in class, bored out of my mind. But it takes me an hour to get bored. I twiddle my thumbs, play with cards, make fans, practicing tricks, looking around, sleeping, etc....

I don't know how I get off topic. I have Attention-Deficit-Disorder...

My goldfish are hungry. I miss my dwarf hamsters. My turtles are acrobatic.

I miss being in a relationship. ON the other hand, I feel free... without happiness. I wish things would be the way they were... when I did not know of love.

I really want Paper Airplane by Aaron Fisher.

I miss you.

Harmonicas rock.

Peace.

Prophesies are Failures... Optimism Always Wins

I am happy with the result of what happened... no outing, but a great experience.

Anniversary...

Today is my parent's anniversary. I am happy for them, but I myself am not. Why? Because I am waiting for that destined answer... that answer I have been holding on to too long...

No longer can I stand being alone, it has become too much for me to bear. I can't help... but try. If anybody understands, please try. I don't know... what happened to the me who stood up, and said "I'm going to try to stand without falling." Now, I have fallen. I do not understand why... maybe it is because... I need it.

The whole irony of this... is that I have two choices. One I obey, one I disobey. The choices are at stake...

Iron Man... pray for me. Hope I don't die.

Logarithms...

Can't talk. Can I?

"Giving up seems like the easiest way... Only if I could find something to hold on to."
"Hold on to yourself."
"Not as easy as it sounds. :/"
"I know. But it's most reliable.
Memories will fade,
Others may betray you,
Mistakes will turn into regret.
Friends may not understand,
And the present is going way too fast for us to grasp."
"but remember how the past was beautiful,
memory lane is so great,
but it all fades away,
into a haunting mist,
now i am replaced with sorrow,
and i am destined, bound to my fate,
to let this blow away, they say,
as i try to hold on, with only an empty fist."
"It's time to make new memories."
Thanks Kristi =).

"When the world is silent, I am left standing, alone."
















"The art of astonishment is merely using the art of illusions to rediscover pure astonishment."

Paul Harris rocks.

Goodnight. I am off to the math-ing planet.

EDIT: I have recieved my new Wynn's and Centurion and Guardians. Cheers :).

Strawberries...

I think I like strawberries the best still. It's not really a tough choice, more of a tough decision, I don't know if the strawberries are perfectly ripe yet...

WHEN ARE THE WYNNS COMING???

I have a lot to say about the world today.

People honk their horns like sneezing, and people also can scream and cuss at each other on the streets. People ALSO can be stupid enough to believe that love can change the world. For I am one of those people.

Choices

What do I choose? Grapes, or strawberries, or wait for the chocolate to melt perfectly? I want strawberries, because they'll be there for me, and they'll stay there. The others might run away... I really don't know... I'm not even sure if the grapes are ripe either. I just want life to be a lot simpler...

Long List of Memories

Many poems I have written:


Poem #1

When I dig a deep hole into the ground,

Pools of filthy water fill the gaps,

Linking piles of earth from edge to edge,

I pierce my shovel, it makes a sound,

Hit rock bottom, lost without maps,

Ready to throw myself past the ledge.

But as the blue moon glows in purity,

I see the two stars and infinity,

They make round ovals, the sky spills open,

But lo and behold, my breath is stolen.

I catch my gasp,

But held behind with grasp,

The warmth that tempts me,

I worry, for it is not her, but a false she.

Now that I live in harmony with the one,

It seems, she no longer is darkness, but the sun.

If she were to be there for me every single living moment…

I would glad, to give her, everything she wants and needs.

Poem #2

Gradually I slip into darkness.

The plummet lengthens.

I cannot bear to see the light,

Piercing, like shards of fire.

Wake me up, when I realize,

I cannot dream no more,

Whereas my hopes, I wish,

Transform, into reality.

The trees sway, veiled in clouds,

Shrouded in darkness, fungus alive.

Leaves blow in every direction.

The winter winds, will arrive.

Harsh reality creeps into my garden,

The daisies and forget-me-nots, all have fallen.

Torrents of fire, ripple through the last remains.

What has happened, not begun, nothing retains.

Poem #3

Fire burns,

Wind that flies,

Mountains churn,

What am I?

Water slips,

Icebergs dip,

Flowers grow,

I don’t know.

Bark can cripple,

Moss also creep,

Snow kept frozen.

My heart ripples,

Can’t fall asleep,

Blood will harden.

Am I alive?

Poem #4

In denial, I can wait,

For the moment, that is fate,

With my heart, it’s still alive,

Bruised and beaten, will survive,

Unbelievers, off the train,

True or false, I cannot feign,

Raw materials, at first sight,

Transformed into beauty, now delight.

When the locomotive runs,

I can sleep and have some buns,

But as the railway throws a fit,

No peace is given, I cannot sit.

I try my luck and whistle loud,

No one comes, my head is bowed.

The train, slowly, arrives on time,

Newly-weds, and a lonely mime,

Board the steam-puffed engine,

As it goes, the land left barren.

Puff the magic dragon blows,

Kids embark, they left the shows,

Next stop, bustling New York City,

Freak shows, movies, sounds so cheesy.

But when the train tracks end in a mile,

I cannot stand, not in single file,

As my love waits for me, down the road,

Strawberries hung from strings, in the house, away from the cold.

Still missing her everyday. My good friend.

Waiting Is Hard

I don't know what to do anymore.

She doesn't know does she. She might not understand... people are guessing that it won't happen? I'm not sure. I obviously would be happy if it worked out... but things don't always go so smoothly.

Today is the 14th, I don't know why I'm still typing. I should be studying for religion. Stupid religion tests. I don't need to know Yom Kippur in order to pass high school in OTHER schools...

I just want it to be over...

When are my cards coming?

A Pack of Saviours

Feeling better... je pense? I remember ordering three packs of Wynns, cambric brown Wynns, the sexiest ones out, one Centurion, and one Guardians. Hmm...

I don't remember a single day since I first saw David Blaine on TV without thinking about magic. Reviving the goddamn fly alive, pulling the head off the chicken... but I've always been more interested in tricks with cards. Unbelievably amazing, that guy. Inspired me to start performing magic, and when people say I got skills, I just tell them to get inspired. They want to be artists, so be it. Rappers, go right 'head. Singers, sing for your life. If you got inspiration, you got no fear.

I'll shove in a poem just for the heck of it:

As the leaves below,
Begin a feisty show,
What's left behind,
Only a dark mind.
The shadows weep,
In solemn sleep.
Alas the bare roots crawl,
Over my tombstone, as I fall,
In a dark trance,
Trapped in a crazed dance.
Finally my Guardian appears,
Shattering light pierces my fears.
I take with me the last piece of hope,
Inevitably lost, I cannot cope.
As the paper crumbles, and so,
My final decision, life is woe.

First Complaints/Welcoming Post

A disappointment? No... more of a reality check. Foolishness gets you nowhere, especially in the art of magic. A disappearing act is much similar to an escaping act, both require a mask, where the secrets come alive. I live by the mask, but unaware of the quintessential elements of performance: Patience, Trust, Comfort, Practicality, and Reality. If something happens to be too mindblowing, then I guess I have failed.

Love is much similar... Once you blew it, you blew it, there is no going back. I wish... that she could understand me... I'm not a very practical person. If only she could understand...

This is my first post. Welcome, to my world.